When a child is experiencing big emotions, it can be difficult to know how to help them feel calm. A helpful way to think about a child’s needs is to understand their brains. In this blog, we are hoping to unpack how our brains work, drawing upon the Reboot Whole Brain Framework (Rebooting Now, 2024) to explain!

Our brain is very complex, however we can break it into three main areas.

The wild brain is the first part of the brain to develop. It is made up of the brain stem, cerebellum and diencephalon. We call this the ‘wild brain’ because it is home to our instinctual thinking, that helps keep us alive in the world, almost like a wild lion or tiger. It is on alert to keep us safe from harm. The wild brain receives input from the rest of the body, and then carries out processes to keep our body well and balanced. The wild brain needs safety, predictability and routine- this includes having food, water, shelter, hugs, movement, sleep and predictability in life. When these needs aren’t met, the wild brain goes into stress mode.

The emotional brain is the next to develop. The limbic system (the emotional brain) experiences rapid growth between ages 1-3, and then again at ages 12-15. The emotional brain plays a large role in emotions, emotional regulation, stress, motivation, memory formation and smell. The emotional brain needs connection, positivity and validation. Fostering positive emotional experiences in your child helps to feed this brain. This can happen through playing together, celebrating their wins, and acknowledging and validating their emotions.

The smart brain is the last to develop (around 3 years old). This brain is the cerebrum and it comes with lots of questions and thinking. It controls our higher level thinking, voluntary movement, language production, recall of information, and self-control. The smart brain needs meaning, purpose and mastery.

How the three brains work?

When our child is feeling calm and in control, their smart brain is useful to help them think, talk, and control their body movements. However, our smart brain is quite fragile, meaning even little things such as bad sleep, having to concentrate for a long time or changes in routine, can cause the smart brain to stop working. When this happens, our child’s brain drops back to the emotional and wild brain. This is where we see meltdowns, anger, and poor decision making, because their smart brain can’t think properly!

When our child is in these emotional states, it is hard for them to talk, because their smart brain (which is in charge of language and thinking) is not in control. It is helpful to address the needs of the wild brain (helping the child feel safe, warm, comforted, given them food, water, etc.) and the emotional brain (validating their emotions and being connected with them), before trying to have a logical conversation about what they are feeling and doing.

Here are some examples of how you can feed the emotional and wild brain when your child is upset or stressed:

• Give them a weighted blanket or weighted soft toy to help them feel comfort. Here are some examples of some weighted toys that our remarkable children love to cuddle and hold.

• Give them a tight squeeze. The feeling of a tight hug can be very comforting, and helps the child to feel safe.
• Take some deep breaths together– this helps their bodies and heart rates to slow down, and doing this together can help them feel connected to you.
• Give them some water or food. Having these basic body needs met can help the smart brain to come back in control.
• Do an activity together that they enjoy doing.
• Validate them with words to show you care and that you understand their emotions (“I can see that you are feeling upset about…”, “that was very frustrating”, “I am here, it is ok, you are safe”, “It has been a big day”)

It can be hard to watch your child experience such big emotions, especially when you don’t know what is going on, or how to help them. Understanding how their brains are working can be a helpful place to begin.

But don’t forget that adult brains work the same way, and sometimes these strategies are helpful for us to remember as well. When you’ve had a big day and your child is experiencing big emotions, try feeding your own wild and emotions brains as well with a deep breath, food and water, kind words to yourself and validation of your emotions. You’ve got this!

References:

https://rebootingnow.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/05/Reboots-Parent-Whole-Brain-Framework.pdf