Often it can be difficult to understand where big emotions come from for children. They often appear to come suddenly and quickly, sometimes with no obvious trigger. Sometimes something small goes wrong, and it leads to a big outburst of emotion. This can be hard to understand as a parent looking in from the outside, and can even be difficult for the child who is experiencing the emotions.
One helpful way to think about big emotions, is by picturing an iceberg. When we look at an iceberg, we only see the tip that sticks up above the water’s surface, but underneath the water, there is so much more that forms the iceberg. In the same way, when looking at our children’s expressions of big emotions, we often only see the big outburst, or the physical things, like the tears, shouting and yelling. BUT, if we could peak under the surface and dig deeper, we might be able to see the things that have built up to this moment.
Under the iceberg there might be things like:
– What’s happened during the day
– have they had a bad day at school, felt anxious in a new situation, or had to mask for a long period of time.
– Sensory needs are not being met- are they too hot? Have they had to sit down and need a movement break? Is it too noisy and busy in the environment?
– Physical needs- have they had enough sleep? Are they hungry?
– Communication difficulties- are they having trouble telling you or others something?
Sometimes, the emotion that we see displayed above the surface, is a combination of lots of different emotions below the surface. For example, your child might be showing anger on the outside, but underneath the surface they are feeling worried, embarrassed or misunderstood.
It can be difficult to think about what’s going on under the surface, but we encourage parents to stay curious and ask some of these questions when your child experiences big emotions:
– What can I see from the outside, above the surface?
– What do I think might be underlying? What could be triggering these big emotions?
– How might they be feeling?
– What can I try doing or changing to help?
